Battle of the Bulge

Guest post by Laverne H. Bardy whose humorous, often irreverent, slant on life in general, and aging in particular, draws a large readership. She has been syndicated with Senior Wire News Service since 2004.  Her book, How The (Bleep) Did I Get This Old? was released in January, 2012, and is a compilation of the best of her columns.

I was swimming at a Cancun resort when I exited the pool for a bathroom break. In the stall I removed my cover-up and looked for a place to hang it. There was no hook. The stall door was too high to sling my cover-up over it, so I folded it and held it between my teeth.

I ripped off several strips of toilet paper and placed them on the seat the way my mother taught me, because everyone knows that toilet paper is the prophylactic most doctors recommend to prevent venereal diseases.

WooHOO! Fun on a Mexican beach

I was wearing a one piece industrial strength bathing-suit that had been crafted to conceal rather than  reveal, which pretty much guaranteed that men’s eyes would avert, and not flirt, ignore and not explore. It was the style worn by matronly, plump women who would be only too happy to pierce one of their own eyes with a fish hook if doing so promised that she would once again fit nicely into a bikini.

I stuck my thumbs under my soaking wet steel-belted straps, forced them down over my shoulders and jimmied my elbows out from under. I wondered why God, in His Infinite Wisdom, had opted to create boneless breasts. Other than to nurse infants and titillate men, they were useless. Boneless breasts are only good in chicken recipes. I have to jam them into horribly uncomfortable constricting bras, and when I lie on my stomach, on the beach, I’m forced to scoop out holes for them to rest in the sand or they get squished. If my breasts had bones they could have assisted me in my struggle by pulling themselves out of the suit. Instead, they just hung there acting as though they were not involved, and did nothing more than get in the way of the cover-up that was still dangling from my teeth.

Life is an adventure, follow your dreams.

I took a deep breath and continued to push the suit down where it refused to go. I pushed, and wiggled, but it remained dormant.

Time had become an issue.

My wet suit was as tight as a boa constictor

Several more gigantic shoves and it slid down to the floor, just in the nick of time.

My toughest challenges lay ahead.

I bent over and grabbed hold of the sopping wet coil hugging my ankles, but the wad of fabric in my mouth made it impossible to see what I was doing. A solid five minutes of backbreaking tugging got the suit back up to my hips, but no further. I was trapped in a Mexican toilet and held hostage by a floral print boa constrictor.

I wondered if my husband had noticed how long I’d been gone. I thought about shouting, but I wasn’t about to let anyone rescue me in this condition.

It was then I saw the pipes on the wall in back of the toilet that I hadn’t noticed before. I removed the cover-up from my teeth, tucked it between the pipes and returned to do battle with my bathing suit.

Several lifetimes later I succeeded in getting the suit all the way up, no thanks to my two useless girls.  I reached for my cover-up, and then the unthinkable happened. It slipped from my fingers and dropped into the toilet. What to do? Who was I kidding? That cover-up could have been a diamond encrusted Diane von Furstenberg original and there was no way in hell I was going after it.

I’m supposed to be relaxing at the beach

I exited the restroom and walked toward my lounge chair. As I prepared to sit a woman, several chairs away beckoned to me.

“Excuse me,” she smiled. “I don’t want to embarrass you but there’s a long strip of toilet tissue stuck to your back and another one behind your right thigh.”

Thank you didn’t seem appropriate, so I giggled and reached for the wet paper on my back.

When it only came off in tiny strips, I asked for my husband’s help. As he peeled off paper he said, “I understand how it may have attached itself to the back of your thigh but I’m anxious to hear how it got stuck to your back and shoulders.

I picked up my sunglasses, hat, and book, and dropped back into my lounge chair. “It’s not something I care to discuss.”

Other posts by this author:

How the Home Shopping Network Turned Me into a Zebra

Open at Your Own Risk

Up, Up and Away – Or Not

An Apple a Day Doesn’t Work

Vacationing with a Stranger

Help! I’m Drowning in Minutiae

About Retire Early Lifestyle

Billy and Akaisha Kaderli retired two decades ago at the age of 38 and began traveling the world. As recognized retirement experts and internationally published authors on topics of finance and world travel, they have been interviewed about retirement issues by The Wall Street Journal, Kiplinger's Personal Finance Magazine, The Motley Fool Rule Your Retirement newsletter, nationally syndicated radio talk shows and countless newspapers and TV shows nationally and worldwide. They wrote the popular books The Adventurer's Guide to Early Retirement and Your Retirement Dream IS Possible.
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